5 love languages book review

5 love languages book review

The Importance of Understanding Love Languages

1. Introduction

2. Background The primary couple that developed and researched Love language theory is that of Gary and Randie Chapman. Their theory of Love languages came about due to a missing link that they had observed in their counseling therapy for couples. They had recognized that often times a spouse would not feel loved despite their partner being genuine in the emotion. This led them to a realization that people love and feel loved differently and that oftentimes this becomes a source of miscommunication in a loving relationship. This research then opened into the broader construct of Love languages and how this affects love communication between people.

The aim of this work is to present an overview of the Love language construct. In the beginning, we will present a general background of the construct and how it came into being. Following this, we will delve into the actual structure of Love language and how it is organized. As the theory of Love languages directly relates to how love is communicated, we will examine the possibility of Love language being tied to the emotion of love and the concept of love communication in general. After the theoretical aspect of the thesis has been explained, we will present some research data which has attempted to validate the theory. This will lead into the practical application of Love languages in couple therapy and how this can be related back to the structure of Love languages. We will conclude by summarizing the importance and value of this construct.

2. Overview of the Five Love Languages

Next, a brief overview of the 5 languages will be given. They are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

Had the partner known his lover’s love language, acts of service, he would know that what makes her happiest and feel most loved is when he takes the time to do an activity that she enjoys with her, despite its irrelevance to him. He would know that it is a strong way for her to show her love to him and that by doing said activity, he is ‘repaying her’. Knowing this, the second person could hopefully realize the reason for his lover’s outburst and the fight could be avoided.

The love language concept is the idea that everyone has a way of giving and receiving love in a way that affects their relationships. The concept itself is quite simple and understandable. Most everyone is familiar with a scenario where one person expresses their disappointment with their partner’s lack of a certain activity – let’s say going to the gym together – and the partner, genuinely surprised at the outburst, says something like “What’s the big deal? I don’t see why you’re so upset” and so a fight erupts.

3. Benefits of Knowing Your Love Language

-Emotional healing People are held emotionally captive by the unloving things done to them or in some cases, the loving things not done for them. Most individuals have never considered the possibility that there is a reason they feel the way they do. If a wife’s emotional needs are not being met, she may feel unloved and start to wonder whether something is wrong with her husband or their relationship when there is no evident reason for her feelings. She may resort to nagging or reminding her husband to do certain things, which may in turn irritate him. Being able to understand love languages changes the way we look at love. The wife’s realization that she feels unloved because her husband has not been speaking her love language makes way for forgiveness and change. The now understanding husband can try to meet her needs, spelling an end to the feelings of both parties and the beginning of emotional healing in the relationship.

-An end to unfulfilled expectations Once a person is able to ask for and receive love in their own language, then they have a far better chance of meeting their love tank to the brim. This in turn fosters a healthy relationship and can even serve as a preventative measure to potential problems. Many relationship issues are blamed on personality traits, stress, or being with the wrong person when it may be a simple case of not feeling loved enough. If both partners can meet each other’s emotional needs, doing so will not be seen as a chore or some great effort. When a child feels loved by his parents, his behavior will be good—so to an adult with a full love tank. This person will be a comparable spouse. When a person’s emotional needs are met, they are free to give their best to others.

-Enhanced intimacy The first benefit of knowing your love language is enhanced intimacy. After a few months or years of being together, couples tend to get stuck in certain ways of doing things and saying things. It may take a lot of guessing and trial-and-error to figure out what makes the other feel loved. Once couples discover each other’s love language, they can truly learn how to make their partner happy. The guesswork is taken out and the changes made are more direct. Finding that one’s partner has planned a special dinner and washed the car for them may be very nice—but not for a person who would rather just spend quality time with the other. After learning the language, a person is inclined to do more for their partner to make them feel loved, looking forward to that delighted expression on their face. It may even lead to a “Love Language Mexican Night” where both partners speak only in the love language of the other.

4. Applying Love Languages in Relationships

Now for the happily ever after, no marriage or relationship can be said to have success until there is an understanding and appraisal of the situation. At the summation of this learning process of the music box’s whereabouts and, lastly, love language, Dr. Mitchell’s wife told her husband he had made a mistake with the box. He said it was for his own listening enjoyment, but his love language decreed that an act of love should have established that he was giving something to her, and music to his wife. After determining whose act of love would prevail, the understanding of love language was this: if the missus were to buy a record collection, she was buying something for herself, his was records. This surely was a sad occasion of the mix-up of love language, and happiness was restored only by Dr. Mitchell saying that the personal favor was his song for his wife.

It has been said that the hard times of life might heighten the love between a pair, and Dr. Mitchell is no exception. He tells of various times in his life where misunderstandings of love language resulted in unrequited love. This includes a story of him buying his wife a music box for her birthday when money is very tight. Not understanding the gift, his wife believed that he wanted the music box for himself because he enjoyed music and ended up using the music box for many years. This was an act of giving, and the music box was an act of sacrifice. Both of these are Dr. Mitchell’s love languages and are not the same as his wife’s. This misunderstanding caused Dr. Mitchell’s wife to give away the music box years later.

The extension of this story is just one example of how love language can be applied within a marriage or intimate relationship. Once there is an understanding of the love language, one must practice disciplines of love in hopes of learning to effectively show love toward their mate. This is a difficult step for many because if you practice an act of love directed not by your love language but by that of your mate’s, this may result in doing something you do not enjoy. While the example given is lighthearted, Dr. Mitchell gives a very serious example of himself. His wife had made a late night at home from work and hoped that her husband had waited to eat dinner with her. In doing so, she might his “acts of service” so his love languages he fixed a light meal and went to bed early hoping to serve his wife breakfast in bed the next morning. It was only after Dr. Mitchell learned the importance of love language that he understood he had missed his wife and she was looking forward to some “quality time” with her mate.

Upon discovering the love languages of himself and his wife, a college professor known as Dr. Mitchell made an observation of application in his married life. It was the Valentine’s Day weekend seminar hosted by Gary Chapman, author of the book “The Five Love Languages,” that Dr. Mitchell learned an invaluable concept. Dr. Mitchell’s wife arrived at the family home later than anticipated on Valentine’s Day. In hopes of making something of the moment, Dr. Mitchell grabbed his wife and planted a kiss on her. His wife was completely oblivious to her husband’s actions and was inquiring, “Do not understand what this (physical touch) is for?” Dr. Mitchell surely did not understand, but eventually he too had his request for a back rub.

5. Conclusion

The day that we understand love languages, we give respect to our partners and ourselves. Love language is how someone communicates to their loved ones their affection, whether it is to a husband, friend, or child. We must discover what we are seeking from them and whether it is realistic. If we can understand love languages coupled with realistic expectations, then we have a healthy understanding between two people. The next time you feel down about a situation, consider your love language and realistic expectations. More often than not, you will realize there was no ill intention from the other, and they were just expressing love in their own way. Misunderstandings will happen, but a well-grounded understanding of the situation will sort things out. When you go into battle, there are always casualties, but sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and save the skirmish for another day. With love languages and realistic expectations, at least you know what it is you are losing. Take the criticisms that you can handle and work on the ones you can’t. In conclusion, to understand is to be aware, and when all is said and done, are we not all seeking to be loved and understood.